Kristi Noem Got Robbed, Along With $3,000, Her Passport, and DHS Credentials

When the Homeland Security secretary can’t secure her own bag, we’ve got a problem.

If your 2025 bingo card included “Homeland Security secretary loses everything at a Capital Burger”…go ahead and mark it.

Over Easter weekend, DHS Secretary Kristi Noem had her bag stolen while dining at a downtown D.C. restaurant. Not just a makeup pouch or a wallet—her entire bag. According to a law enforcement source, the thief got away with her driver’s license, medication, apartment keys, passport, makeup bag, blank checks, DHS access badge, and—because of course—$3,000 in cash.

Yup. The woman in charge of homeland security got robbed at a Capital Burger.

The theft occurred Sunday night, confirmed by Noem herself during the White House Easter Egg Roll on Monday, where she acknowledged the incident but said it had not been resolved. Meanwhile, the Secret Service, which provides protection for cabinet-level officials like Noem, reviewed surveillance footage and saw an unidentified white male wearing a medical mask take the bag and exit the restaurant.

And if you’re wondering why a cabinet secretary was walking around with $3,000 in cash like she was buying a used boat in an alley, the official DHS line is: Noem withdrew the money “to treat her family to dinner, activities, and Easter gifts.”

Only in this administration is carrying $3,000, a passport, and your DHS badge in the same tote considered “secure.”

This wasn’t just a purse, it was a grab-and-go national security threat.

And sure, spoil your grandkids. That’s not the issue. The issue is that the person tasked with protecting the homeland somehow thought it was totally fine to carry her entire identity, credentials, and a small fortune in a tote bag to Capital Burger. Which brings us to the bigger picture:

At best, this is cartoonish incompetence. At worst? It’s another example of the Trump administration treating public office like a personal piggy bank—where the rules don’t apply and accountability goes out the window with the handbag.

The Secret Service has launched an investigation to track any financial activity tied to Noem’s stolen credentials, but let’s just take a moment here.

The Secretary of Homeland Security—a person whose job is literally about national safety and secure access—lost her own access badge in a restaurant theft. Not in a high-speed car chase. Not in a Mission: Impossible-style infiltration. Just…while eating dinner.

It's a bad look, not just for Noem, but for the entire administration’s already wobbly image of competence and control. A DHS badge floating around DC in the hands of a guy in a medical mask? That’s not a subplot in a Jason Bourne movie, it’s the real-world version of MAGA mismanagement.

And again, let’s not overlook the comedy in the details: makeup, passport, blank checks, and thousands in cash. It’s like the world’s worst Easter basket.

Whether this was just a moment of personal misfortune or a broader lapse in protocol remains to be seen. But if the person in charge of homeland security can’t even secure her handbag, maybe it’s time we asked what else is slipping through the cracks.